To be honest, I had zero intention of making this blog post. This is definitely one of those “on a whim”, “maybe I should write about this” type of situations. And if I’m being completely honest, I think this is also more for me than anything else.

I’ve been struggling.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

IMG_9826

My milk supply has dropped significantly since I got sick a few weeks ago. Then I got my period. Then I got sick again. Fantastic, right? *rolls eyes* Because of this, my freezer stash of breastmilk is almost nonexistent, especially because I’ve been working a ton more lately. When I work, we use the frozen bags of milk but since I’m doing makeup for 3-6 hours straight, I can’t pump when I’m supposed to so I’m not able to replace the bags of milk that were used.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Right now, at each nursing/eating time, Noah’s routine is this:

  1. Nurse on left breast, Haakaa the right
  2. Nurse on the right breast
  3. Drink 1.5-2.5oz of my previously pumped breastmilk from a bottle
  4. Eat 3-4oz of solids {this is only twice a day}

So it’s a whole situation. I don’t currently produce enough milk to exclusively nurse him. That’s why we supplement with my previously pumped milk. Twice a day, he eats solids. This is my predicament: should I break my back to try and increase my supply to continue giving him breastmilk exclusively {which may not even work} or should I introduce a bottle or two of formula each day to both help me out and allow me to rebuild my freezer stash?

IMG_0184 2

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Now, I know what some of you are thinking:

Try supplements, vitamins, cookies, drinking more water, getting enough food, enough sleep, and pray to God.

 I’ve been doing these things. I’ve tried different supplements {currently trying a new one the past couple days}, cookies, everything. Nothing works enough.

Pump between nursing to stimulate your breasts to create more milk.

When I do this, I don’t have as much milk for when I nurse next. Noah eats every 2.5-3 hours, so when I get around to finally pumping, it’s too close to when he has to eat next for my breasts to “refill”. Since I already don’t produce enough milk for a full feeding, I don’t want to give him even less milk.

Power pump.

I do. For a month now.

Wake up between 4-6a to do a middle of the night pump.

This is something I’ve been highly considering. But with this, I’m trying to weigh how badly I want to continue giving him breastmilk exclusively, or if I should, like I mentioned earlier, introduce formula.

IMG_8099

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Here is where is gets a bit touchy, but I always strive for honesty and authenticity. So bare with me as I word-vomit my feelings out on this.

I KNOW there is nothing wrong with giving Noah formula. We did it at the hospital {still not ready to talk this experience just yet}. I know that what’s most important is that Noah is healthy and gaining weight.

To be honest, what’s stopping me from simply giving him formula {because at this point I’m obviously just stressed about it all, which doesn’t help with my supply issues} is that I feel like I’m throwing in the towel. It feels like I’m telling Noah, “you’re not worth waking up at 4am to pump”, “you’re not worth chaining myself to a pump to try and stimulate more milk production”. I feel like I’m failing him by not doing what my body was made to do.

But I’m NOT. I’m not failing him.

I actually realized recently that I hit my nursing goal: six months. I should be PROUD of that. That’s bad ass! I did that. Plus, I’m not even ending our nursing journey. I’m just introducing a bottle or two of formula. But why does this feel like a defeat?

IMG_7558

Noah has his six month check up in a few days, so I’m definitely going to talk to his pediatrician about it. But at the end of the day, I want Noah to be eating enough, gaining the proper weight, and continuing to develop amazingly. ♡

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

As you can see, this was a type of therapy for me to just spill all my thoughts and feelings. Thank you for allowing me this safe space to be completely raw and real through my journey of life and motherhood. Any comforting and positive words are welcomed!

That’s all for today. Sending you all love + light.

xx,

Laurena