Hi again!

Guess what? I’M A MAMA! ♡

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I gave birth to my little boy { Noah Matthew Hali’a Wentzel } on March 3rd, 2019 at 1:41am. He was 7lbs 5oz and 21 inches long.

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That was a little over two weeks ago. Time has both flown by and also crept by extremely slowly. If you’re a mama, you know what I mean.

Today, I’m going to do my best to recap the last two weeks of my postpartum journey. I’ll go over Noah’s update in another post. And again, it’s going to get very real and raw over here. I vowed to not sugar coat anything because there are already enough people only showing the good, cute, and fun side of babies. I’m here to tell ya it’s also hell.

Okay, that’s a little dramatic. But also, not really.

Let’s back it up to being in the hospital.

So after laboring for 28 hours, I finally arrived at 10cm dilated. It was time to push and { thank the lord } I only pushed for about 30 minutes before my son arrived! I also { thank the lord again } did not rip much. I was up walking two hours after giving birth while a nurse helped me shower.

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Being in the hospital was alright. The nurses and doctor’s at Queen’s Medical Center were AMAZING. I could cry thinking about them. The second night in the hospital, Noah was up ALL. NIGHT. I would try to nurse him and sometimes he’d doze off, but he wouldn’t go to sleep or let us put him down in this bassinet. This is already after I haven’t slept in a couple of days and was in pain from delivery. Basically my perineal/rectum area felt extremely heavy, like it was going to fall out of my body ~ super fun ~ I was exhausted, frustrated, and just mentally and emotionally spent. So at around 4am, I called the nurse into my room. I was sobbing while I asked her if she could just take him because I needed to close my eyes and have some time in silence. I already felt defeated.. like I just couldn’t do it.

Babies are allowed to lose up to 10% of their birth weight in the first couple days of life. Noah lost 5% of his birth weight in a day and a half, but in only 12 hours or so, he lost another 4%. Because of this, when his { amazingly sweet and loving } pediatrician came in to see us a few hours later, she told me she wanted me to supplement with formula. So basically after I nursed him, we’d give him 15-30ml of formula to prevent him from losing more weight and to help him sleep a little longer. I lost it. I already felt like I wasn’t a good mom because I asked the nurse to take him for a bit and couldn’t “handle” him. Now it felt like it was confirmed that I wasn’t good enough. My body, that was made for this, wasn’t good enough.

I’ve always told people that I felt like my purpose in life was to be a mom. This is what I’ve wanted for so long. I prayed for this. But I started to second guess it all. Maybe I wasn’t made for this. Maybe I’m not that good of a mom.

Now let me remind you, all of this was a mere 48 hours after Noah was born. Far too soon to even question my mom-worth. But I felt it. I believed it. My heart was broken.

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It’s been 16 days since Noah was born and he’s gained his birth weight back and then some! My milk hellllla came in so we’re not supplementing with formula anymore. But if we were, so what? There’s a lingering stigma around formula feeding your baby and that’s what made me feel like a failure. No one around me had anything negative to say about needing to supplement with formula – it was everything I’ve heard or read that was influencing how what I felt. But that’s a whole other conversation.

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Something that doesn’t get talked about in regards to postpartum recovery, particularly if you’ve had a vaginal delivery? INCONTINENCE.

Wow. Peeing yourself is real. I wore adult diapers { Always Discreet Boutique, the blush colored ones are the cutest lol } 24/7 for over a week after having my son. I still wear them at night or when I may be sleeping for a little longer than usual just in case. Plus, you also bleed for a bit after delivering, so why not kill two birds with one stone? LOL No shame in my adult diaper game because I’d rather have it all locked in than peeing my bed or on the floor at target 🙂

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Now, to the most common { however still not talked about enough } topic regarding “postpartum” would be baby blues and postpartum depression.

Is there a difference? Yes. According to my OB/GYN, almost all pregnant women experience a level of baby blues after delivering. This could include irritability, impatience, unexplainable sadness or crying, and anxiety. Baby blues could last a few days up to couple of weeks.

However, postpartum depression is way more severe and lasts longer than a few weeks. Postpartum depression can make you feel hopeless, like there’s no end in sight. You may feel depressed, lack energy or an appetite, and feel unable to take care of your baby.

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Now that we have the general definitions of the two, let me tell you that in the first week of having Noah home, it was ROUGH. I cried all the time. I broke down sobbing every night at dinner time because I knew that the nighttime was coming, and that’s when it was the hardest for me. When I had a moment alone to pee or shower, a flood of thoughts that I wasn’t good enough or I was letting my son down overwhelmed me. Whenever someone asked how I was doing, it was all waterworks. I felt like I wasn’t good enough for this important task and I questioned myself all the time.

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After 16 days, I feel that my emotions have leveled out a bit. I don’t cry as much, I don’t question myself as much, and everyday I find a little bit more hope that things do get easier and this is truly just a small phase in ours and Noah’s life. But it’s still really hard. It’s exhausting. It’s frustrating. But it’s also completely worth it.

~ Disclaimer: I am obviously not a doctor. If you feel any of these symptoms or feel like something isn’t right, speak to your doctor/someone you trust and get the help you deserve. ~

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I’m so blessed that my parents and younger brother have been so amazing and willing to help Tommy and I out tremendously. My mom will often take the middle of the night shift and feed him bottles so I can get a solid 3-4 hours of sleep. My dad’s been cooking for us every single night since we came home, and now that Austin’s on spring break, he watches Noah for us for several hours in the evening/middle of the night so we can get rest, shower, or just have time for just Tommy and I.

I’ve also been finding a lot of comfort and support in talking with other first time moms. There’s nothing like knowing that you’re not alone in your struggle. Especially in a time where you feel guilty for struggling, crying, or not being totally google-eyed and in love with your baby.

These two weeks have been hard, for sure. But they definitely could’ve been even harder without the help, support, and love of our families and close friends.

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To all you pregnant mamas or people who just want to know more, drop any and all questions you have about labor, delivery or postpartum care in the comments or on my Instagram

I plan to do a blog post and youtube video on postpartum care must-haves and a video on my labor + delivery story! Let me know if you’re interested in that.

That’s all for today. Sending you all love + light.

xx,

Laurena